Time for the utterly shocking news that I am once again single. If that is in fact shocking to you, read further for clarity.
I thought I was ready for a new relationship. I truly thought that after 5 blissful months of bar hopping, single girl swag, and celebrating my fabulous self that I was at a place in my life where I would be ready to commit to someone else and accept their commitment to me.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I was excaping myself through my friends and my short-lived crushes. Numbing myself from actually exploring who I am with internships and shots of tequila after work. I wasn’t growing, I was just adjusting. Right when I was at the peak and beginning to accept myself while learning to embrace who I actually am without someone else molding me, I met The Bartender. Then poof. I was right back where I started. Spending time with him instead of working on myself. My thoughts and concerns centered around him and his feelings instead of my own. My rickety self-esteem collasped on me, enduring insufferable blow after blow. Yet I accepted this because I was happy with him.
What I realize now though is that I was unhappy with myself and I wanted to be with someone who found joy through me because that gave me purpose.
Once I came to this conclusion I had no other choice but to conclude my relationship with The Bartender. I hated having to hurt someone again using the same rhetoric of finding myself and still being unable to reconcile with them that it wasn’t their fault but my own.
But onward and upward. It’s a new year and I finally understand that in order to become who I’m meant to be, I need to be on my own and face myself for the first time, without the hope that another man is going to come and rescue me from…well…me.
Just for the sake of the new year, here’s my resolutions if you’re interested. Hopefully the more people that read them, the more of a reality they will actually become:
1. Treat others how you want to be treated.
2. Don’t let others define your happiness.
3. Start believing that everything will work out and stop stressing about what could happen.
4. Have the courage to trust myself and be confident in myself. Commit to actions that push me forward, instead of holding me back.
5. Be happy and healthy.
And lose weight. But everyone says that.