The following have been said to or by yours truly.
Things You Don’t Want to Hear in a Bar:
“If they don’t take you home, I will.”
Man: “Usually you would buy me a drink.” Uh actually I wouldn’t and I won’t. I have boobs. Boobs trump penis any day.
“Look, they’ve been laying the groundwork, but I’d much rather go home with you tonight.”
“I’m not with her, she’s just a friend. She’s actually on the Varsity Swim Team.” Yeah, she’s just a friend. And I’m just tipsy.
“I went to BYU.” Mormons.
“How can I get you home?” If you have to ask, it’s not going to happen.
“I’m not doing well, am I?” Not after that comment. Maintaining what little confidence you had is only going to get more difficult from here on out.
“I know your mom.” Although it would be worse if they said, “You look like your mom.”
“Oh you’re from TCU? You’re one of those girls.” Actually no, I’m not one of those girls, but you are, in fact, one of those assholes who assume stereotypes are always correct.
“I would hit that.” And I would hit your face.
“Please stop. You’re messing with my other options.”
“I remember your white blazer from last night. It’s very…um…unforgettable.”
“In my free time I play video games.” Guys, even if this is all you do in your free time, never say it to a girl. I watch Sex and the City all day, every day and I would never admit that to a potential.
Things I’m Fond of Hearing in Bars:
“Could I buy you a beer?” I don’t care that my Shiner is $1 tonight and that’s why you’re offering, a free drink always taste better.
“I’m from Britain.” & “I have a Swedish passport.” Anything that tells me that you are not American and I’m dropping my jaw (among other things) at the bar.
“I’m 24.” & “I work [here].” Job, check. Not a boy, check. Got your shit together, check.
“Would you like this seat?” Thank you for checking out my ass and then noticing how good it looks because of my 5 inch heels that I can barely walk in.
“I can’t concentrate because you’re smile is so pretty.” Aw, shucks, thanks orthodontia.
I hope everyone has a splendid Friday night out.